an alternate history

please child
don't cry
you're safe in my arms
please don't
fight to leave them again

please child
don't fret
the execution's at dawn
forget
there was a war to be won

please child
don't cry
there's nothing outside
please don't
try to look out again

please child

don't die

don't you understand
caged birds

can live without flight

bella, ciao

auf wiedersehen, sweetheart

99%

it hurts

because as introverted 

as i am,

i'm always going to wish

that

i had learned to speak words

in such a fashion,

that you would

finally understand

somewhere my love

is waiting for me

somewhere i am

waiting for you, too

if i could,

i would say the whole world,

i would find a way

to say all the right things

but my words betray me

as often as happiness does, too

so until i can learn,

to speak, instead of write,

i am guaranteed

to let you know.

donna noble

not extraordinary at all
but somehow that makes her
even more

she had one life,
only died once
but when she died,
it seemed like the world did, too,

but the best part is that
the world still spun on

and that is why
she was the best companion

because she was just a human,
but

she was human.

perhaps i never had

any friends at all

I'm in love with a fairytale

Even though it hurts

I don't care if I lose my mind

I'm already cursed  (x)

ugh

detectives
and timelords
and wizards
and hunters
and avengers
and serial killers
and villians
and heroes
and everything else
that makes this a fairytale

to die and live again

i caught a heart

in a hemlock grove

where murders of crows

made their way

chattering to me

haven't you seen it?

haven't you seen it?

the heart was still,

it never once moved

but the crows bellowed

and chattered

haven't you seen it?

haven't you seen it?

i clutched the heart,

and then with a sigh,

i moved silently,

listening to

haven't you seen it?

haven't you seen it?

the world ended--

i watched from afar,

the heart ever still,

but my own!--

haven't i seen it?

haven't i seen it?

 

dilemma

I have never lived
a day in my life --
life,
if you would call it that.

My words seem to be
pouring over me --
paint
falling on us like rain.

I know what I want,
my future in you --
dead,
but I have never lived.

r.k.

You didn't teach me this

Family doesn't have to end with blood

Everyone does deserve to be happy
Everybody has an impact

Love isn't about who you are

Everyone has a purpose in life

Family isn't a definition of bad and good

Not everyone is the person you see
There's always going to be someone you can trust
Cowards are often times the bravest of sorts
There's always somebody who will love you

These lessons were not learned from school, my family, or society.

Instead, I learned these from:
Sherlock
Supernatural
Doctor Who
The Avengers
Merlin

and all the other fandoms.  They are my family, because they are always there for me.

UGHSHSDF

DAY FOUR OF HIATUS  

WE WILL CARRY ON

 

i hate public schools.

i really, really hate mine.

the big bang

colors that have never existed

flew from my mind

they danced between the stars

and filled my lungs

each color was an animal

wild, free, and live

it kissed upon my brow

promised to never leave

such ineffable fury

i wanted everyone to end

such ineffable beauty

i never wanted it like this

everything was ending at once

but just beginning to breathe

it was day and night,

winter, summer, spring, and fall

and in the aftermath

i was left feeling nothing

     at all.

help sos

i wish it'd all just leave

i want it all to stop

why doesn't everyone just think

and, for once, just shut up.



i wouldn't mind just one

i wouldn't mind just two

but, no, it can't be done

...surely no one misses the few.



i like to imagine how i'd do it

if i'd smile, cry, or even laugh...

in fact, i'm tempted to try it...

but these are the thoughts of a psychopath.

dedicated for cheryll

this whole time
we were both singing the same song
hiding behind the same mask
but never stopped to notice


i wrote a song for you
but nothing could ever compare

darling, you're beautiful
you're perfect
you're smart
you're witty
and you'll always make a mark
in everyone's heart

i love you
never will i not

and i hope you see this soon

i hope you know me true

angels on high, ode to you

i once had a friend who knew where he stood

said he knew the difference between bad and good

and we all knew exactly when he fell

lost when he laid a hand on you in hell

blah

he once
sat on the wall
separating the wilderness
from the garden
and he witnessed
a great light
suddenly become dim
and he saw his brothers
pick up the mess
and he thought.

he thought,
what is the point
of having a choice
if there is not
a result?

he thought,
what is the point
of having a choice
if both choices
lead to the same fall?

and one of his brothers
came to him
and he asked,
why have you not helped
us clean?

and the brother did not
reply, he thought,
what is the point 
of having a choice
if you cannot
make it?

and the second brother left,
worried,
while the first sat still,
and thought.

he sat and thought
as days turned to night
and nights turned to day
and he thought,
why have a choice
when one answer will damn you?

and he thought,
why have a choice
when you can have peace?

and he thought,
again,
and again,
what is it
they must choose between?

and the answer was there,
when a great light suddenly dimmed,

and his father came to him,

and his father said to him,
are you doubting?

and he answered truthfully.

and that was when
he walked
and did not look back

and he climbed a tree
and waited.

and he thought,
why not give them a choice?

and he said to one of the two
as she came to him,
taste the fruit.

and that is
how Crowley
invented original sin
(something he
is very proud of)

promised to myself

speak a little louder
over my voice
over all the screams into the night
please do not question
of this progress
just know that i love you

and do not wonder
what happened
please just hold me
and tell me that i'll be okay

give me some courage
before i fall
save my life
before i go

and take me back
to my start
to our beginning
to where my life was great
and not ending

oh take me back
and tell me that
the world will see me
for who i am
and tell me that this is the beginning

i once believed in
the power of prayer
but with all my heart
i cannot be heard

oh lord please help me
show me i'm winning
and not losing this fight
over again

i cannot face them
the questions and demons
that steal my hope into the dark

i cannot tell you
about my decisions
without fear of losing my heart


and take me back
to my start
to our beginning
to where my life was great
and not ending

oh take me back
and tell me that
the world will see me
for who i am
and tell me that this is the beginning

promise me,

promise me,

oh, somebody promise me

promise me,

promise me,

that you'll try to save me

because i can't

promise myself

just take me back
to my start
to our beginning
to where my life was great
and not ending

oh take me back
and tell me that
the world will see me
for who i am

and that i'll survive
and live
and live
and live
like the world
has never seen me live before
and live
and live
and live

oh just promise me
that we'll go back
and promise that this is just my beginning

untitled

i suppose it's just me
again
and i'm imagining everything

do you hear the wind
talking to me?

i can write a thousand words
but none could describe
this pale gloom, this acceptance
into the starlight of the dead black night

and the funny thing is
i'm not going to try to win
because i'll just lose again

on the edge of sleep
and the world awakening all around me

and i can still hear the bells
but i hear death as well
marriage or funerals this time?
or am i hearing things?

i think it's happening again
i think i'm breaking down

and i can't decide
what i feel

do you hear it too?
or am i imagining
everything?

houston again

oh, i wanna dance with somebody

i want to feel the heat with somebody

yeah, i wanna dance with somebody

with somebody who loves me

(and road to road, bed to bed, and lover to lover)

you know what

i give up

this is just another fight

that i don't really care for

going from right to wrong

up to down

heaven to hell

and all that's inbetween

what i've noticed

the problem is
that we try to push everyone out of our life
and we scream at them
and we cry
and we all want them to come back
and when they do,
we push them away again,
silently rejoicing in relief
and pain

what i see printed on the sides of arms

i have to wonder

if the reason
is not what they tell us

and is instead

because they feel alone

that maybe if they do this

they might not be 

by themselve

houston

it's not right but it's okay
i'm going to make it anyway

Chuck 32:6

Please don't get mad at me for uploading this. 

But I'm going to publish this, because...

it's awesome.

Somewhere Only We Know -- Glee: Blaine (Darren Criss)

Listen to this.

Oh fluffyarchangelsandchuck, the feels this gives me.

soul

well you can save my life

(don't look to close
you might see
exactly what i'm afraid of)

by being you
and promising me
that this empty shell
will one day be me

(you can slay the beast
all you need
is to come get me)

when you find me
please try to remember
that a while ago
that's where the demons hid

(and all i want
is to see you)

they dug my grave
already
but i trust that one day
you will capture me
and we will tumble upwards

(and you can save this life
from becoming hell bound)

and i understand
if you'd rather not find me
but it's my understanding
that you won't leave me behind

(look into my eyes
and you can see the truth)

i will wait if you promise me
that one day
i will mean something to you
and i promise you that
this life will be shining bright

(awhile back, they said to me
"you'll never live"
but i told them the truth:
"i'm still waiting)

my kingdom hasn't come yet
so won't you find me?
can you kill the demon in mind?
save my life

Imagine Dragons - Demons

 

 

don't get too close

it's dark inside

it's where my demons hide

it's where my demons hide

lights (fix you - coldplay)

i'm not sure
what's going on

or what i'll do
when this ends

i guess
i'll survive

curtains pulled down
and lose my place

but i am here

i am broken, disjointed, and flawed

i am surviving, wounded, and living

and i
will try to
fix you,
too.

the bird that i loved
flew away

but if i never tried
i'd never know

it couldn't be worse
it couldn't be better

and with you
by my side
you fixed me

and lights
are guiding me home

like a leaf

for the first time
i find myself
at the bottom of a pool
in a hidden place

and here i am
i'm living again

so

my heart is beating
my heart is shaking
like a leaf
a beating drum

and my garrison is
to my rescue
not this time

and here i am
i'm waking up
i've been released from
my personal apocalypse

and this is my age
this is my generation

my eyes are with you
but my mind is
under locks
because of this
and the all
is shouting
for release

release

all the strangers
all the prisoners
sing to me

here i am

i'm free
release me
release me

sing with me

release me
release me

but, me, i'd say this was a test

and i had an older brother who i loved.

idolized in fact.

and one day, i went to him

and i begged him to stand with me

and i still love him,

but i am going to kill him

because it is right.

and i have to.

it can't be stopped.

called me a freak

and then he beat me down

all because i was different.

what makes you think

you get to choose?

because i had a mind of my own

free will is an illusion

as it is in heaven,

so it must be on earth.

one brother has to

kill the other.

and i said, Father, i can't

i love my father!

my brothers!

love them!

but watching them turn

on each other?

think of  the million random choices

you make, and yet, every each and every one

of them brings you closer to your destiny.

do you know why that is?

sorry if it's a bit chilly.

because it's not random.

it's not chance.

because from the moment

Dad flipped on the lights around here,

we knew it was all gonna

end with you.

always.

why would i want to destroy this stunning thing?

beautiful in a trillion different ways.

the last, perfect handiwork of God.

it's a plan that's playing itself out

perfectly.

heaven, hell,

i don't care who wins!

i just want it to be

over!

now tell me,

does the punishment fit the crime?

are you ready?

part of me wishes we don't have to do this.

i have to sit back

and watch my own

brothers kill each other

thanks to you two!

i'm sorry,

i can't do that.

i'm a good son

and i have my orders.

my own private

witness protection.

so you haven't changed

a bit,

little brother.

He is doing this to us.

always blaming everyone 

but yourself.

 we were together.

we were happy.

why do you think you

two are the vessels?

think about it.

no matter what choices you make,

whatever details you alter,

we will always end up

...here.

i skipped out of heaven,

had a face transplant,

carved out my own 

little corner of the world.

you're my true vessel

you're my vessel

you were born to

this, boys.

it's your destiny!

that's why you're going to say yes.

you ever the hear the story

of how i fell from grace?

but you betrayed me.

all of us.

Dad made everything,

which means He made me

who i am.

this isn't about a war!

it's about two brothers...

who loved each other...

and betrayed each other.

"So, what's it all add up to?

It's hard to say.

But, me, I'd say this was a test...

for Sam and Dean.

And I think they did all right.

Up against good, evil, angels, devils,

destiny, and God Himself,

but they made their own choice.

They chose family.

And, well...

isn't that kinda the whole point?

No doubt --

endings are hard.

But then again...

nothing ever really ends,

does it?"

You see, there were once three brothers.

One of them fell.

One of them ran away.

And the last became twisted in his own grief.

They never really got the point.

But...there were also two other brothers.

And they...

They got it.

(a/n:  I  don't own this)

the end (code: 5.04)

i see many things

that no longer live

(or perhaps, never lived at all)

like

the majestic ocean

and the most beautiful planets

and the unborn

and

the roses

and

this place of

a trillion different things

and

everything

in between

the light they love

has stopped so suddenly

that they pretend to see them

even i'm at fault

the truth is not

of my words

the truth is not

of my voice

the truth?

indeed:

the stars

don't exist

i killed them out

i can breathe

feeling

what is it?

hopeless, not anymore
because i know

i can do this.
i can get through this.

even though everything is dying
in front of my eyes
and you know?
sometimes they come back to life

just look at me
see?
now
i can breathe.

even though it hurts
i can do this
and all these people
don't really know me

and even if they do
do they understand
the causes of my blue lips
and the stillness of my heart?

and only God could ever tell
when i wasn't well
and there were so many times
when i felt

like i was dying
all over again
like i couldn't breathe
all over again
like i was slipping down
all over again

but now?
the difference nobody can see
but i can

i can breathe

this is the truth:

no.






this?


no.


this?

replay.

rewind.

rethink.

no.
no.
nonononono.

this?

is all a lie

i was five. maybe younger.

her eyes, so wide, like an ocean and its tide,

her lips, apart, nothing but the ghost of breath escapes,

her hands, shaking, and nothing can control

the ghost, it prayed, silently prone to rapture

the ramblings of the lost

oh, try.

try to remember --

the tip of your tongue!

the words echoed and

try. 

no.

no. please, lord, not again

but,

the words --

"bring it on"

yes.  

i can do this.

i can try.

i can try.

we all fall down

i dreamed of a house
with bower birds
and empty tunnels
and words
so many words

i dreamed of a house
where the sky was showing
and ashes
oh, the smell
of burning bones

i dreamed of a house
whose hallways warped
until i was lost
in a ballet room
along with dusted photos

i dreamed of a house
and you were there with me
and, oh, the smell
i think, i know,
it's consuming me

i dreamed of a house
and misplaced phone calls
littered the kitchen
and something had changed
and it was you

i dreamed of a house
of violence and threats
and love, such love,
masked with the smell
of burning bones

i dreamed of a house
and the monster under my bed
and in the closet
and in the dark
and i couldn't see its face

i dreamed of a house
and the smell was so great
burning and never ending
ashes like snow
blood like rain

i dreamed of a house
and the lights were all off
and you were so different
and your fists
were like my words

i dreamed of a house
and i was there with you
and i never stopped to rest
i was content with
the angry pain, the ocean.

i dreamed of a house
with walls made of lies
and there was never any sound
there was only
the smell of burning bones



A...tip of the hat...to the inexhaustible silence of houses

i fell in love with the pain

when did i go so astray?
when did the echoes of my screams
become my favorite lullaby?

when did all this pain
cause me joy?

the devil corrupted me from inside out
showed me how the hurt
was beautiful

and roses, falling gently
became drops of blood.

he carried me as i cried
told me his name in exchange for mine
and somehow caused me to love
the torture and the night

i fell in love with the deranged,
the darkness,
i fell in love with my own tear tracks

my own screams
that the devil caused.

fell in love with my sorrows

on the edge of sleep, my old familiar friend

so many things to be happy for
so many things to smile for
even when i'm breaking down again

the strangest part
(frightening)
is that i do not know what has been asked
but the urgency of the answer
has already been said

Untitled

the words

of a serpent

whispered in my ear

did nothing that compared

to the prayer

of the angel

ineffable plans

i could

tell you

everything

and

everything

stretches into

a very long time

indeed

but there is

nothing left

to say

at all

i could

tell you

about the fights

and about the hurt

and the pain

and his voice

but that would remain

pointless

because i

can't remember

the beginning

of the story

anymore than you

these walls can't block you out

angel wings 

drawn on my back

with the ink

of your words.

i never liked grammar anyway

personal revelations
the dos and don'ts
of frowns caressed
into smiles.

untitled

the suicide note

of the divine

was nothing more

than a love letter.

the empty house collection

IOU A FALL -- (the empty house collection)

I AM ----LOCKED -- (the empty house collection)

LEAVE A NOTE -- (the empty house collection)

LOCKED DOORS -- (the empty house collection)

Disclaimer:  While, it's true, this format of this collection is entirely my own, the sad fact of the matter is that I do not own the pictures (or some cases, fragments of pictures) or the people in them.  They belong to BBC's Sherlock, one of the best shows in the world.  The first picture is not my favorite at all, and is quoting Jim Moriarty in his meeting with  Sherlock during "The Reichenbach Fall" (Season 2, Episode 3).  The second picture(s) is(/are) Irene Adler.  The words "I am (sher)locked" comes from "A Scandal in Belgravia" (Season 2, Episode 2).  The third picture is from "The Reichenbach Fall", the scene of Sherlock's 'fatal' jump, and the words are quoting him.  The last picture is of Jim Moriarty and quoting his words in the episode "The Reichenbach Fall".  So, clearly, I don't own this.  I just had fun with it, okay?

angelic

it fell from its lips like stardust
                          the last capture of light
                                before the end; or even

like diamonds, so polished
                           that it poured from my hands
                                 like sand;

like a revelation, a humble stand
                           of the last trees, ocean, and sky
                                  before man;

like someone who could speak the language of hearts
                           blunt and wonderful and so
                                  full of love; oh, yes,

it fell,
        the prayer,
                        like stardust

you're my brother and i love you.

you...

disloyal

oh,

i'm

loyal.

to 

them.

who? 

 these

 so

 called

 gods?

to

people,

Lucifer.  

people

so

 you're

willing

 to 

die 

for 

a 

pile 

of 

cockroaches.

 why?

because

Dad 

was 

right.  

they 

are 

better 

than 

us.

they

are

broken,

flawed,

abortions.

right

they're

flawed

but 

a

lot 

of

them

try

to

do

better,

to

forgive...

and 

you

should

see

the

spearmint

rhino...

i've 

been 

riding 

the 

pine 

for 

a 

long 

time 

but 

i'm 

in 

the 

game 

now.  

and 

i'm 

not 

on 

your 

side 

or 

Michael's. 

i'm 

on 

their's.

brother,

don't

make

me

do

this

no

one

makes

us

do

anything

i 

know

you

think

you're

doing

the

right

thing,

Gabriel,

but

i

know

where

your

heart

truly

lies.

here.

Disclaimer:  This wonderful dialogue is something I don't own.  It comes from an episode of the CW's Supernatural, "The Hammer of the Gods" (Season 5, episode 19), towards the end when one angel and, er, the Devil are having a conversation.  This is said conversation.  I don't own this any way, am not making profit from it, yada yada yada.  I just wanted to admire it, because it's amazing.  It really, really is.

subway codes (look at beginnings, never endings)

Just in time
in time for what?
moments, fragments, shattered

Magnificent
or is it just beautiful
righteous
in murder -- no
anyone could do that
rich -- the name, dear --
tea for two
yellow paint and three letters.

a fall
never stop
doctor?

Silence in the graveyard, today
honey, you should see me in a crown.
endings are so boring
regal, ice-man and virgin,
locked doors -- man with a key is king
over the moon
ciphered in digits
killed with kindness? no.

Home, heart, hero,
only time will tell,
look at me now,
made to believe in
endings.
simple fairytales.




(Note:  disjointed?  i know.  but try looking at the edges.  one letter at a time.)

the saddest song -- Linda Strawberry

Guys.

Screw flippin' Adele.

who's fault is that

who was i kidding
when i said 41?



i'm back down to forty.



yeah?
and who's fault is that?



keep your opinion to yourself


and broadcast yours?  



pray tell, what's next?

the saddest song is the one that only you can sing

I.

i am so afraid
that i've fooled myself into
thinking "i'm happy"



II.

i once thought that it
would be okay, but now i
only wait and see



III.

some people feel sad --
at certain times of their lives--
but i feel happy.



IV.

the worst part is that
at the time you see nothing
but what could have been



V.

when i have nothing
left to say, that's when i'll know
that i will die soon.



VI.

tell me it's okay, and
i won't believe you, but that's
fine, 'cause i don't care.



VII.

it isn't so hard
anymore, but i can still
feel it in my heart.

41 (the counting days)

it is gone

the days

the countdown

i never made it past 40

interesting enough

and it is gone

i had wondered

what it'd feel like

perhaps like a rising sun

or perhaps like a flower bloom

but never

this

never expected it to feel so good

i do not remember this

i wonder if i ever did

speak the language that so many speak

and i wonder if many actually do speak it

it is gone

and i made it

perhaps i had glimpsed it

just once

before

when

the 

days

counted

but this

this

is something

that i could not have imagined

this is real

and i am here

and i can feel it

so much

that it almost overwhelmed me

and how did i not know this before?

and what changed?

how did this happen?

i can remember

the counting days

and i remember

the dark

and the bad

and it felt nothing like this

this...

this is like looking at forever

and how did i not see it?

my days are still counting

but never, never like before

it is gone

and my days have started

counting up.

eyelash wishes

my words flow

and on and on they go

but i think it would be nice

if, sometime,

someone would pretend to hear them

and (maybe) understand.

"Sorry if it's a bit chilly. Most people think I burn hot; it's actually quite the opposite."

radiant

beautiful

graceful

loveless

heartless

burning

hatred

bright

breathtaking

singed

wings

blue

gold

fire

surrounded

caged

feared

vengeful

voiced

alive

star

mourning

brother

son

betrayer

lover

the

only

one 

who 

will

forever

be 

cold

and

so

very

alone.